Cheers!

Why Do Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers?

Time Magazine.com By John Cloud Monday, Aug. 30, 2010

"One of the most contentious issues in the vast literature about alcohol consumption has been the consistent finding that those who don't drink actually tend to die sooner than those who do. The standard Alcoholics Anonymous explanation for this finding is that many of those who show up as abstainers in such research are actually former hard-core drunks who had already incurred health problems associated with drinking.

But a new paper in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research suggests that — for reasons that aren't entirely clear — abstaining from alcohol does actually tend to increase one's risk of dying even when you exclude former drinkers. The most shocking part? Abstainers' mortality rates are higher than those of heavy drinkers.

Moderate drinking, which is defined as one to three drinks per day, is associated with the lowest mortality rates in alcohol studies. Moderate alcohol use (especially when the beverage of choice is red wine) is thought to improve heart health, circulation and sociability, which can be important because people who are isolated don't have as many family members and friends who can notice and help treat health problems."

First reaction:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]

Second reaction: It's like God is fucking with the teetotalers

More well-being and fun-isticity to be found as I repeat the first sentence in all its succinct joy:

One of the most contentious issues in the vast literature about alcohol consumption has been the consistent finding that those who don't drink actually tend to die sooner than those who do.

Keywords here in my own boldface: consistent finding.

Third reaction:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]

That's a scientific fact, baby; a consistent finding, in fact. Hittin the booze consistently not only improves the quality of your life, as we already knew, but also the quantity of it! And you're more loaded during that time, so hey! You're havin' more fun! And pass the vodka my way, will ya?

Now why does drinking make you live longer? Seems counter-intuitive, don't it? Everyone is stupider when they're drunk, and more likely to bad decisions. I don't think that's up for argument. And of course drinking is bad for your liver, your kidneys, and urinary system generally, your brain stem, and other vital functions. So what gives?

Moderate alcohol use (especially when the beverage of choice is red wine) is thought to improve heart health, circulation and sociability, which can be important because people who are isolated don't have as many family members and friends who can notice and help treat health problems.

I just love it that sociability is linked to overall health. Guess what? It turns out it IS better to hang out with people, even if you ARE drankin! Who knew? So the next time some prim and proper killjoy wants to rain on your fun with their "Well you know, I don't drink" ATTITUDE . . . you can just tell 'em:

"Okay. That's fine. I'll be sure to toast you at your funeral."

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [deep breath]