Synchronicity's 8th Annual SantaKong

BASICS:
Synchronicity's 8th Annual SantaKong begins at 2:00 PM Saturday - December 12th, 2009 at Quencher's bar. Quencher's is located at 2401 N. Western Avenue, on the corner of Fullerton & Western. This year the Kong will be using cheaper school buses, as opposed to trolleys from years past. This enables everyone to get jolly for nearly twice as long, without breaking the bank. Everyone will spend the first hour at Quencher's decorating and festi-fying the buses. (Oh and drinking.) Please bring Christmas decorations and other Holiday swag to make our school buses as obnoxiously cheer-tastic as possible.

YOU MUST WEAR A SANTA OR OTHER HOLIDAY-THEMED OUTFIT. IF YOU DON'T DRESS UP FOR SANTAKONG - YOU ARE LAME!

As usual, your $26 payment covers a massive quantity of beer and whiskey, which will be festively available at any and all times we are on the buses. You are still welcome, of course, to bring your own alcohol. In fact it's kind of a tradition.

The Bus departs from Quencher's at 3:00, and will return to the Quencher's neighborhood at approximately 11:00-11:30 P.M.

FAQ's:

WHAT IF I CAN'T BE AT QUENCHERS BY 3:00?
No worries, you can also plan on meeting up with us at The Twisted Spoke (501 N Ogden Ave) for our 4:30 departure.

If that doesn't work out for you, please look for us at the corner of Lincoln, Halsted and Fullerton for our 6:00 departure from there. If you miss us at there, you'll have to give us a call.

HOW DOES THIS WHOLE THING WORK NOW, EXACTLY?
The buses provide you and your Santa friends with safe and sober transportation from bar to bar around the great city of Chicago. Intermittently you'll be bringing your unique brand of cheerful revelry to public settings like Daley Plaza, Macy's, the Billy Goat Tavern, Emmitt's, and even an Ice Skating Rink!

DO I REALLY HAVE TO WEAR A COSTUME?
Yes.

I DON'T DO PAYPAL . . . . CAN I STILL KONG OUT?
Maybe.

We will be taking some cash payments on the day of the event. However, an RSVP is strongly suggested, and there is limited space on our buses. If you do not Paypal us in advance, Synchronicity cannot guarantee you a spot on our buses. We strongly recommend you Paypal us your $26 in advance to guarantee your spot. Setting up a Paypal account is easy and free. All you need is a bank account and an email address, and you can both send and RECEIVE money.

ANYTHING GOES ON THE BUSES, RIGHT?
No, no and no. You must obey all state and local laws while participating in SantaKong. That means you may NOT use illicit substances on the buses . . . not even weed. Without the humor and good graces of our friendly drivers - we have no SantaKong. Please do not put our driver's jobs or the event's future in jeopardy. Obey all state and local laws while you're on the bus.

WHAT IF I'M TOO WASTED TO DRIVE HOME?
Luckily, Quenchers has the advantage of being located close to several cheap CTA options, such as the Western Bus the Fullerton Bus, and the Blue Line, all three of which run on a 24-hour schedule. Also, cabs are everywhere in that neighborhood. PLEASE DO NOT PLAN ON DRIVING HOME FROM SANTAKONG. Your friends may be sad that you got splattered all over the Dan Ryan, but they'll also be pissed off that your stupidity ruined a perfectly good SantaKong.

I HAVE A QUESTION YOU HAVEN'T ADDRESSED:
No problem. Email me at dave_h@illmeasures.com

Downtown the Disco Elf
for
Synchronicity

http://www.Synchroni-City.org

The Vegans aren't going to like this.

The War on Soy: Why the 'Miracle Food' May Be a Health Risk and Environmental Nightmare

By Tara Lohan, AlterNet. Posted November 21, 2009.

Vegetarians aren't the only ones who should be concerned; there's soy in just about everything you eat these days -- including hamburgers, mac 'n cheese and salad dressing.

" . . . soy's glory days may be coming to an end. New research is questioning its health benefits and even pointing out some potential risks. Although definitive evidence may be many years down the road, the American Heart Association has quietly withdrawn its support. And some groups are waging an all-out war, warning that soy can lead to certain kinds of cancers, lowered testosterone levels, and early-onset puberty in girls.

Most of the soy eaten today is also genetically modified, which may pose another set of health risks. The environmental implications of soy production, including massive deforestation, increased use of pesticides and threats to water and soil, are providing more fodder for soy's detractors. . .

A study in the British medical journal Lancet in 1996 warned of the effects of soy in infant formula. The study found babies had levels of isoflavones that were five to 10 times higher than women taking soy supplements for menopause. The effects in girls could be early-onset puberty, obesity, breast and reproductive cancers. Boys could face testicular cancer, undescended testicles and infertility. Additionally, O'Brien says, a 2003 British study conducted by Gideon Lack of St. Mary's Hospital at Imperial College London followed 14,000 children from the womb through age 6 and found that kids who had been given soy formula as infants seemed almost three times as likely to develop a peanut allergy later on."

Doesn't it seem like every week there's some "news" story in which we learn that some previously be-knighted health food item isn't all that healthy after all?- or that in order for health-conscious eaters to enjoy their pristine palatable, little children in Laos have to be forced into back-breaking labor? As a fairly care-free omnivore I read stories like this with some bemusement.

[Sigh.] Folks, it's become manifestly clear that ingesting anything whatsoever is a risky proposition, either nutritionally, or for the global environment.

There is no such thing as any food that is 100% good for you, and 100% guilt-free. If you are one of the "food purity" people who only eats "health food" I've got news for you, and so does Tara Lohan at Alternet.org. Even your SOYBURGERS turn out to have some health risks.

While it's fine and well to be mindful of what you're putting in your body, I think people who think that they're "eating healthy" or eating without guilt are kidding themselves. All food has risks. All food has negative consequences for the environment in some way.

My advice? Enjoy what you eat, knowing full well that it's probably killing you slowly. Some of these health nuts seem to think that eating the right foods will make them fucking immortal.

Personally, I think I'm gonna have tater tots and about ten beers this evening. I may not live forever, but I'm certainly going to enjoy being alive, and eating and drinking what I damn well please. I'm not huge fan of tofu, but I enjoy it once in awhile, especially when it's pressed and fried. My hunch is that from here on out, it might even taste a little better!

GOoPer-Poopers: America-hating Cowards

So a few days ago Attorney General Eric Holder announced that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the alleged "mastermind" of the 9/11/01 terrorist attacks, was going to face trial in New York City federal courtroom. From the New York Times:

Accused 9/11 Mastermind to Face Civilian Trial in N.Y.

WASHINGTON — The Obama administration said Friday that it would prosecute Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks, in a Manhattan federal courtroom, a decision that ignited a sharp political debate but took a step toward resolving one of the most pressing terrorism detention issues.

The decision, announced by Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr., could mean one of the highest-profile and highest-security terrorism trials in history would be set just blocks from where hijackers for Al Qaeda destroyed the World Trade Center, killing nearly 3,000 people.

Mr. Holder said he would instruct prosecutors to seek death sentences for Mr. Mohammed and four accused Sept. 11 co-conspirators who would be tried alongside him.

Now reasonable people might disagree over capital punishment. (I'm not a fan.) But if any case warranted invoking it, I would think that seeking death in a U.S. court of law for someone who helped coordinate an attack on this country that violently ended nearly 3,000 American lives, and ruined legions of others, would be relatively non-controversial.

Of course pants-pissing Republicans have other ideas.

First of all, the GOoPers are positively agog because the Obama administration did something . . . anything.

Second, isn't Eric Holder black? A black Attorney General?!?! They're not sure about "that one."

Furthermore, Republicans claim that this move is soiling their drawers because apparently, they're worried that putting a guy like Mohammed on trial, and sentencing him to death, would somehow damage national security . . . an argument so rusted, so moldy, and so reeking of decay that it collapses into obscurity the second it's uttered. (From the same link):

“We should not be increasing the danger of another terrorist strike against Americans at home and abroad,” said Representative Peter T. King, Republican of New York.

Now let's be honest . . . nobody knows what the fuck this moron, Representative King, is talking about. I suppose we are to take it as a matter of faith that somehow, putting alleged terrorists on trial hurts national security. In spite of the fact that no one has a fucking clue what he's talking about, "Representative" King was apparently unmoved to elaborate any further. And this jagbag isn't alone! Just ask Senate Minority Leader Douchebag (R - KY):

“Our past experiences with terror trials in civilian courts have clearly been shown to undermine our national security,” [Mitch McConnell] added.

The senator for Kentucky argued that if convicted and imprisoned in the United States, the Guantanamo detainees would have the right to remain in the country upon their release.

Now folks, if you actually believe that the United States government is going to release Khalid Shaikh Mohammed into the general population, and you are currently wetting your pants because you're afraid of the big bad terrorists, please do us all a favor: kill yourself.

I'm serious. Eat some fucking lead. Have a cyanide cocktail. Drive of a cliff. Get you a rope and find you a tree . . . whatever needs to happen. You are a fucking moron, and a pathetic coward, and this nation and this planet would be better off without you. I'm not joking. Take a deep breath, and make it your last. (If you've spawned, you might think about taking out your children too.) Oh right. You're a coward. And at the very least suicide takes some fucking gonads, and you have none.

One might think that the so-called "patriots" - who are so into America that they get stiff-peckered every time they hear the national anthem at a football game, and who come in buckets of red* white & blue** at the "home of the brave" crescendo - would have a little faith in our criminal justice system. After all, these are the same scum who generally support life imprisonment without parole for adolescents, and locking up potheads for twenty years at a time. They don't seem to have much of a problem with the criminal justice system when it comes to destroying the lives of black and brown Americans for non-violent offenses. What's more, aren't these the assholes who just one year ago - when President George W. Bush's "administration" was still in power - were routinely telling Americans that questioning any governmental function was akin to treason? I mean, don't they have any faith in our so-called "Justice System?" Gosharoonies. I guess they must be traitors.

Apparently the GOoPers' blind faith in the inherent benevolence of any and all incarceration doesn't extend to imprisoning alleged terrorists in US prisons. Perhaps Islamic terrorists are the wrong kind of brown people.

There are two ways to look at why RepubliCons are poopy-pantsed over the prospect of trying Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and others in a court-of-law. Either they're actually so stupid and cowardly that they really are afraid that somehow, for whatever reason, trying alleged terrorists is going to damage national security and fan the flames of terrorism. . . something that we must understand the Wars on Iraq and Afghanistan never ever did, by the way; or perhaps there's something else going on here.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and gingerly suggest that maybe they don't want a courtroom trial for the likes of Mohammed because they know that in such a trial, his lawyers might argue that the man was waterboarded 183 times; and that waterboarding is torture; and that therefore some of the evidence against him is inadmissible. (I don't usually link to Fox News, but you gotta check out this link. Dig the . . . ahem . . . tortured logic of the Fauxies as they try to back up a headline that reads: "Despite Reports, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Was Not Waterboarded 183 Times".)

Maybe, just maybe, leading RepubliCons don't really want a whole big national discussion about who tortured whom and when; because you know the whole "why are we torturing people" question makes them a little uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I'm the FIRST ONE to assume that leading Republicans are stupid cowards. But let's not forget the venality and blood-lust either. I'd say it's possible, just possible - call it 95% possible - that RepubliCons can't stand the idea of the likes of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed going to trial because it would understandably be a huge media spectacle, and because the issue of "who tortured whom" would again rise to the surface of the national conversation. As far as these soul-less scumbags are considered, the status quo is just fine - torturing alleged terrorists in far-off countries and trying them at distant military outposts if they ever go to trial at all. Letting these people die in prison of old-age without ever facing justice is a keen option, as far as these guys are concerned.

You know, Americans are far from perfect. We've got our ups and downs, just like any other nation. But as a whole - and thank God at long last - I don't think we're very comfortable with the idea of torturing people . . . not even terrorists or alleged terrorists. These GOoPer-poopers can wax cowardly all they want about their phantom "threats to national security." It's crystal clear these people don't want a spotlight shone on the torture they enabled for much of the Bush Administration.

And thank God again (and I'm agnostic) for people like Representative Jerrold Nadler - (D - NY), who has really been proving himself to be one of the good guys lately:

“New York is not afraid of terrorists,” said Representative Jerrold Nadler, Democrat of New York, adding, “Any suggestion that our prosecutors and our law enforcement personnel are not up to the task of safely holding and successfully prosecuting terrorists on American soil is insulting and untrue.”

*Yep - that's blood.

**No idea what the blue is. This rant wasn't totally thought through, I'll admit it.

Secretary of "Education" Arne Duncan: Dumbfuck

*

Duncan to call for change in teachers' education

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Secretary of Education Arne Duncan is expected to push for reforms in how teachers are taught when he speaks at Teachers College at Columbia University in New York on Thursday.

According to advanced quotes released by the U.S. Department of Education, he will say that "schools, colleges and departments of education are doing a mediocre job of preparing teachers for the realities of the 21st-century classroom." He will call for a "revolutionary" change in teacher preparation programs.

Duncan estimates that about 200,000 new teachers will enter U.S. school systems annually."

Hey Dumbfuck:

You, with the ever-so-serious look on your face and your respectable quaff of neatly greyed hair. Yeah . . . you . . . dumbfuck.

The problem with our school systems isn't that the universities are doing a poor job preparing teachers. The problem is that teachers and administrators don't run schools on the state or national level in any way shape or form. When we run the army, we call a general. When we run the Justice Department, we call a lawyer. When we run the educational system, we call a politician . . . like you . . . dumbfuck.

See, the funny thing about you Arne, is that you've never been a teacher, or a building supervisor in your life.

Not even once.

So even though I am pretty new to being a teacher . . . I feel that I have just a little more real-world experience in education than you do . . . you dumbfuck. The other problem with you, Arne, is that you built your whole career in Chicago on corporatizing schools, warping education into a for-profit process with lots and lots of non-union shops. Oh and closing schools . . . glad to see that you're proud enough of that to go ahead and list it as one of your accomplishments. So sure we've got some technically new schools . . but the exact benefits of our shiny new corporate charter schools here in Chicago are murky to say the least. And the benefits of closing down all those other schools are completely unknown. We've got bizarre new scenarios where two or three separate "schools" all share one building that used to be just one school . . . the whole thing makes no sense whatsoever.

But hey! Millions upon millions of tax dollars were spent, union jobs were eliminated and then replaced with non-union jobs,

Thanks for that, you dumbfuck.

Hey speaking of dumbfucks, Arne. Here's one of your colleagues, and probably close friends, Indiana Superintendent of Public Instruction Tony Bennet. If the two of you aren't acquainted, then you should be introduce. Why I'll bet the two of you would get along famously . . . after all, you're both dumbfucks.

Now Bennett is one-up on you, Arne. He spent all of 17 months as a building supervisor. Apparently that was enough for him, so now he's got some grand ideas on how to fix Indiana's schools. Like you, Arne, this jagbag has decided that what's really ailing our schools is that the universities aren't really giving teachers what they need, and that teacher education requirements should be different. But he's willing to take an even further step into jagoffishness . . . he's going to tell us that our licensing requirements should be less "burdensome."

This moron's plan is to:

"Eliminate burdensome requirements for new teachers and replace them with a better program. Under current regulations, beginning teachers are required to create teaching portfolios and participate in a teacher-mentor program to move from the initial practitioner license to a proficient practitioner license."

As if anyone in an actual school setting believes that what's ailing our schools is that "the licensing requirements are too burdensome." Yes! Finally we have it pure gold that is capital-E Education capital-R Reform! Oh sweet Jesus! Thank you lord in heaven! It was the teacher's portfolio requirement that was really tanking the whole system!

YES! Let's just shuffle the way we fill out our paperwork!!!! See if something statistically relevant pops out! This has never been tried before!

Perhaps you, Arne Duncan Dumbfuck and your ol' pal from next door, Tony "Big Jagoff" Bennett, can find more ways for us to shuffle the deck chairs the paperwork on this titanic ship of education! Maybe one day we'll stumble upon something that might have worked if we hadn't cancelled the program after six months! It'll be grand!

But whatever we do . . . let's not put teachers and building administrators in charge of our schools.

Because that will never work.




*Thank you Getty Images!

It's the Swell-Time Cabaret!

Holy Smokes!

It's once again time for the Swell-Time Cabaret!

The concept is simple: Pasties. Shtick. Honky Tonk. Music.

Join the fabulous burlesque of the Knock Knock Hot Spot, the honktified sounds of Indiana Bandana, and yours truly, Downtown Dave, for an evening of old-timey cabaret at the most unique little venue in Chicago - the Speakeasy Cabaret!

The Swell-time Cabaret takes you back to a time when whiskey was whiskey, beer was beer, women were women, men were men, and white people had rhythm.

Man that was a long time ago!

In addition to fantastic entertainment, the historic Green Door Tavern features delicious food, great drink specials and friendly folks. Try the portobello mushroom fries - they're to die for!

Friday, October 16th
8:30ish ::: $10
@ the Speakeasy Cabaret
in the basement of
the Green Door Tavern
678 N. Orleans

Green Door Tavern

Knock Knock Hot Spot

Indiana Bandana

Police Go Crazy Attacking Protesters at the G-20 in Pittsburgh

Chicago Burning Man Decompression 09

Hey Chicago Burners:

Your B.U.R.N. Steering Committee is thrilled to invite you to the Official Decompression 2009 at Thatcher Woods in River Forest, IL, near Chicago's west side. Next weekend we're all having a picnic, and you're beyond invited!

WHO: YOU

WHAT: Chicago's only Official 2009 Burning Man Decompression

WHERE: Thatcher Woods, located near Chicago's West Side - 8020 W. Chicago Ave - River Forest, IL
"http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=8020+west+chicago+avenue+river+forest,+il&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=32.197599,56.513672&ie=UTF8&ll=41.896176,-87.827196&spn=0.014758,0.027595&z=15&iwloc=A"

WHEN: 10:00 AM to roughly 6:00 PM on Saturday, September 26th

WHY: Friends. The Sextathalon and other things that are fun. Music. Drinks. FOOD.

BRING: $10 donation, food (and lots of it) for yourselves and your friends, sunscreen, umbrellas & ponchos, anything you need to eat in the great outdoors, a picnic blanket, a picnic basket, your friends, more food, your volunteerism and enthusiasm, outdoor games like frisbee, more food, hackey sack, kickball, etc., bacon, coffee, pictures of Burning Man 2009, a team of two or four people to run the first ever Sextathalon, and costumes to run it in!

Frequently Asked Questions below.

More info to come.

xo,

Downtown Dave







FAQ's:

SO WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE, EXACTLY?
This year's Decomp will be a smorgasbord of food, drink, and fun featuring yourselves, your friends, and your lovely families! The main idea here is to have a fantastic picnic, an awesome Miniature Chiditarod - the Sextathalon, and a bunch of participatory games you can take part in. You make it happen, we all enjoy each others' company, leave no trace, all-inclusive etc.

HOW CAN I HELP?
Organizers need volunteers for setup, cleanup, and for running and judging the very first ever Sextathalon during the event.

The Sextathalon will require judges, timekeepers, and a willingness to both dispense and receive PBR.

Bring food to and drinks to give away and enjoy yourself! Picnic blankets are a must.

Finally, we're looking for volunteers with vans to soberly take heads to and from the Metra, and possibly the Green Line.

$10? A WHUH?
We're not turning people away, but please try to give something to the cause. We'll have porto-johns, a fantastic space, a sound system, food & drinks, etc. Get a wristband and help build this up.

SEXTATHALON: WHO DAT WITH THE WHAT NOW?
The Sextathalon is exactly what the name implies: a six-part race that you can take part in. At around 3:30 PM, teams of four, two, and one will compete for an array of fancy prizes including a six-pack of PBR for all 21+ participants. You will experience the Obstacle Course, the Circle of Fury, the Sack Races, the Chug of Love, the Divine Conception, and the Three-Legged Triage.

Get your team of two or three together. Then dress up & join up. It's free. It's fun. And you can win PBR!

More to come.

WHAT SHOULD I LEAVE AT HOME?
Glass
All pets
Your MOOP
Illegal substances
Weapons or fireworks

I AIN'T DRIVIN, HOW DO I GET THERE?
Take the Metra Union Pacific Line from Ogilvie Downtown toward Elburn. Get off at River Forest.

Trains leave at approximately 8:30, 10:30, 12:30 and 2:30. Ir's just a 20 minute ride. Our site is just a short half-mile from the River Forest stop.
"http://www.google.com/maps?ie=UTF8&f=d&sll=41.812267,-87.837067&sspn=0.732868,1.450195&saddr=1+N.+State+St,++Chicago,+IL&daddr=8020+West++Chicago+Avenue,+River+Forest,+IL&ttype=dep&date=9%2F15%2F2009&time=8:47+PM&dirflg=r&ll=41.901766,-87.73407&spn=0.233555,0.441513&z=11&start=0"

"http://www.google.com/maps?f=d&source=s_d&saddr=Ogilvie+Transportation+Center&daddr=8020+West++Chicago+Avenue,+River+Forest,+IL&hl=en&geocode=FUIUfwIdHrfG-ikXo5QFxywOiDFQWb2DVJ6csQ%3B&mra=pe&mrcr=0&dirflg=r&date=9%2F15%2F2009&time=8:57+PM&ttype=dep&noexp=0&noal=0&sort=&tline=&sll=41.888258,-87.733749&sspn=0.116803,0.220757&ie=UTF8&ll=41.887966,-87.733727&spn=0.116803,0.220757&z=12&start=0"

Returning trains are at 3:15, 5:15 and 7:15.

Alternatively, you can take the Green Line.

More to come.