BEARS! A Steven Colbert Spoof Gone Real!

Like some spoof of a Steven Colbert spoof, this asshole from the American Family Association, last seen warning that the moment of Don't Ask Don't Tell's repeal was "the instant the United States sealed its own demise", has finally taken a bold stand on the all-important "Should We Be Shooting Grizzlies or Shouldn't We Now?" Question.

Point and laugh at this conservative moron, Bryan Fischer.

From Rightly Concerned, A Project of the American Family Association

A hot dog on two legs - time for open season on
Yellowstone grizzlies

By Bryan "Remarkably Big Asshole" Fischer

"One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time. . .

In a piece in the LA Times which exudes far more compassion for live bears than dead people, writer Julie Cart wrings her hands over the 48 grizzlies that have died this year in the Yellowstone region this year, on top of the 52 which died last year . . .

. . . It’s not until the fifth paragraph that we get the first mention of a human fatality. And it’s only in passing, in words from a man who lost a friend to a grizzly and naturally blames people, apparently including his own botanist friend:

'A grizzly is a top-level carnivore; at times he will act like one," said Chuck Neal, author of "Grizzlies in the Mist," who lost a botanist friend to a grizzly attack this year. "People are a readily available source of high-quality protein. We eat too much and exercise too little. We're like a hot dog on two legs.'"

Wait a minute. Is this total jagbag going to write a whole Op Ed about how important it is that we kill grizzly bears?

Oh yeah. He is.

But that's apparently not hilarious enough. Need more? Here it is.

"Then comes this hilariously frightening paragraph, in which “experts” are “shocked” - shocked, I tell you - that grizzlies like to eat people:

"The two bear attacks that resulted in human fatalities shocked experts, who were at a loss, especially, to explain the predatory behavior of the sow and her three cubs. But an investigative report that included a necropsy of the female bear may have provided the answer: the bears were simply hungry.”

I mean, really, who in their right mind would even think that bears might eat people because they are a food source? Sure never occurred to me. And these are our “experts.” Criminently.

God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse. The tragic thing here is that we are bringing this curse upon ourselves."

bold mine

What? Wait, the bear attacks are taking place because God is cursing us? We brought it on ourselves? Uhhhh, am I candid camera? WTF are you talking about dude?

Oh wait! I get it. Why yes, it all makes perfect sense now. The Lord hath ordained that we be smitten by bears, probably due to our gays-in-the-military-allowing sinfulness.

Nevermind if taking rifle-shots at a curse from the Lord is such a good idea, or whether it might just invoke his Holy Vengeance and compound our sin.

That is probably a stupid question, I'm sure.

"Criminently?"

You know what? Nevermind. Please let's not go explaining it.