Governor Paterson, Citizens, Friends:
I'm pleased to announced that after careful consideration, I've decided that I will accept your appointment to become New York's Junior Senator!
This was a difficult decision for me and my hot girlfriend to make, and I want my future fellow New Yorkers to know that I understand that they may have some concerns about my appointment. Many New Yorkers may be somewhat disconcerted, for example, to learn that their new Junior Senator is a self-described "unemployed party animal" who does not technically live in the state of New York. That's why my first official act as Senator-designate will be to move from Chicago, to New York. (Incidentally, I've set up a small fundraising website here to facilitate this important step. Times are tight people - did I mention that I'm unemployed?)
To address the concerns of my constituents, once I've moved to New York, I intend to go on a Listening Tour around my great new state's many bars, nightclubs, American Legion posts, barbecues, parties, bonfires, pub crawls, etc. I feel that there's no better way for my fellow New Yorkers to get to know me than to buy me a round of drinks or three, and listen to my opinions on stuff. And I got a lot of 'em, once you get me going with a little sauce, you know what I mean? In order to grease the proverbial wheel here, and because I read that cab fares in NYC are ridiculous these days, I've set up a fundraising site here to help defray the costs of the many "Listening Stops" I'm going to be making around New York City, Buffalo, Binghampton, and Newark. Please give what you can for this important task. I feel that a Listening Tour of bars and keggers is the just the thing for New York's newest Senator because I know that New Yorkers like to party down with their elected Representatives. After all, they elected this guy to represent the 20th district 4 times!!!!
(God bless you Congressman Sweeney! Is there some way someone can appoint HIM to something? This wonderful man has been, like me, unemployed since around 2006. I hope he runs for office again soon.)
Anyway, one thing I expect a lot of New Yorkers to be asking, is: "Why you? What makes you qualified to sit in the Upper House of the United States Congress?" The truth is that I have absolutely no experience in politics, no experience nor interest in campaigning, and no curiosity about democracy, governing, the so-called "issues" or whatever, or any of that stuff. To those who are concerned about my complete lack of interest in governing - or any form of work, really - I say chillax! After all, people were chomping at the bit to have Caroline Kennedy in the seat, and all she did was write a book or two, which I guess is sort of like working. (Thanks for stepping aside, by the way, Caroline. I owe you big time.)
Now I may not have written a book. I may not have read a book. But I have voted, routinely, roughly every four years or so. And that's all that Senators do, right? You go into the booth, you pick the party that sounds like more fun, punch straight ticket, and then go do some Jaeger bombs at the bar next door. What could be simpler? In a nation where a four-time college drop-out like Sarah Palin can run for the Vice-Presidency and hold the highest office in the biggest state, I'm sure a zero-time college applicant like me can be Senator.
I may not come from a famous political family like Ms. Kennedy, and Mr. Cuomo, and Secretary of State Clinton, and President Bush and Governor Paterson, but my old man WAS treasurer of his bowling league, according to what my mother used to tell me about the guy. And this is America, not France, or Spain or something, right? We don't have kings and dukes and whatever, right? So let's not talk about whose father skipped out of town twenty years ago when he was jumping bail for aggravated assault on a farm animal, public indecency, and several counts of public intoxication, and whose didn't.
Now I know many New Yorkers are concerned about the process that has taken place here. With Ms. Kennedy's mighty public wrangling for the job, her on-again off-again on-again and finally off-again course, the accusations of insiderism, nepotism, etc., some people are likening this to a circus. But as New York's Junior Senator-to-be I'd like to say here that this is not a circus. In no way has this appointment, nor any other Senatorial appointment recently been anything like a circus whatsoever. A circus has animals.
I leave my constituents with a picture of me during a contemplative moment at home, so that they'll know who needs to be bought a drinky during my "Listening Stops." I love New York! And I can't wait to get there!